I dedicate this post in rememberance of my beloved grandma.

When i was a baby, you took care of me when my mummy was at work.
When i was feverish, you made me well with your traditional treatment of the dough.
I hated the smell of the dough whenever you rub it on my back
But now how i wish for just another rub on my back by you.

When i visited you on Sunday, you would always call out for me before i reached the doors
You will always then hurry me to eat more meat and if the food was nice.
I hated the fatty meat you cooked but i love the hotdogs and nuggets especially.
The soup was tasteless as you have to cook a big pot to fill 30 over stomach
I loathed it but now i would pay millions to have another sip.

Remember the last Thailand trip we went?
You were tired from the shopping and visiting of tourist spots.
We wanted you to rest in the hotel and the cafes
But you insisted to walk the distance with us and especially love to buy clothes for the youngs
You got nothing for youself yet you still love to shop

We were all looking forward to the end year China trip this year
Though it will be your 2nd time there, you still insisted on going and being with us
On the first trip there two years ago, you were happily bargaining with the locals
Aunt even got you a pair of sports shoes that you gladly wore instead of your clogs

You left.
When i was dozing off in the office,the call came
I did not know what to do but to hurry back
I saw you lying motionlessly on the bed of yours
I thought you were asleep but no matter how loud i called you
You kept quiet

I touched your face
I feel the warmth draining from your face and hands
Tears welled but i did not know what to do but keeping shouting for you silently
You look so sound asleep wearing your favourite blue top and the familiar black pants
Your saliva kept flowing out as our tears fell
Are you responding to us?
Have you heard us?

Come back to us
Tell me that you are only taking a nap
Tell me that all these aren't true
Tell me that you will be back

You left hints but we were too foolish
You laughed saying that you are not sure if you can wait for the year end China trip
We thought you were just making a casual remark
You told the youngs to buy as much titbits as they can and you will pay for it
And told them to finish those titbits slowly as there may not be any in the future.
You hinted but we did not realise

I had not been going to visit you on Sundays
With tuition packing my schedule and laziness
Now, how is Sundays going to be without the promise of seeing you at the doors?

Ah ma, i am sorry that i am no fillial a granddaughter
I did not visit you frequently enough
I did not accompany you enough
There's so much more i could have done
How am i going to survive ever Sundays without missing you
How can i asking " Ah ma, have you eaten?" every time i step into your house
How can i resist myself from looking around for you every time i go over to your house

You left behind 35 of us.
Your mum, your son, daughters,grandchildren and so many other more..
All of us are bleeding inside and tears accompany us as we think of you
Sundays lost its purpose.

Last Sunday was the first time i see my daddy cry
He yelled out for Ah ma when the coffin was raised and shifted into the vehicle
That is the only time i saw him tear and i believe it is definitely the first and last time

Ah ma, forgive me for not being there in your last hours

Forgive me that i did not eat the fatty meat that you always cooked
Forgive me for not being there every Sunday
Forgive me for all the disrespect i shown when i was small

Ah ma, wherever you are now
Please be ok. Please come back to us in our dreams and tell us that you are fine
Hear me, ah ma
Bless the family. Bless the trail of tears that were shed for you..

We love you and miss you.
Ah ma.

***Karin***

"Tears fall from the eyes like rain falls from the skies.People have said that since a long time ago.Just as the blue sky eventually emerges from behind the clouds,your tears will dry"

( Taken from Kelly's blog )